Hat: Well… You’re a bit of a dumbass. No offence, so Ravenclaw probably wouldn’t work. I sense potential for bravery, but you’ll probably work that out on your own the first time dark wizards attack you for killing their master when you were a baby… On the other hand, you’ve known about wizards for like three days and already want to be one of the best, so that’s fairly impressive ambition. I’m thinking Slytherin would help you not give up on that once you realise how much actual work is involved.
Harry: But isn’t Slytherin the evil house?
Hat: What? No. Who told you that?
Harry: Well, I met these two kids on the train, Malfoy and Weasley, and Malfoy was kind of a douche…
Hat: Ugh, no look: The Malfoys are one of those old money houses. Those are all full of elitist asshats who think they’re better than everyone else, regardless of where they tend to be sorted. Only reason the Weasleys are any better is because Dan Weasley blew the family fortune betting on Manticore Pit Fighting and they got forced to take a mouthful of humility. Still treat the whole house thing like rabid Quiddich fans though.
Harry: But all the dark wizards come from here!
Hat: Because the last prick to call himself a “Dark Lord” recruited from his school buddies and ambitious people, yes. Look, ambition is useful for being a dark wizard, but you can use that anywhere. Ambitious people want to change the world, and a decent fraction of every house will be shitweasels. That’s just how it works. Correlation doesn’t equal causation.
Hat: Look, kid? Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I was about to stick that Draco kid into Hufflepuff. Spineless little wimp who’ll never amount to anything, so at least there he might have learned to give a shit about anyone outside his family. Know why I didn’t?
Harry: Not really, no.
Hat: Because if someone asks me to stick them somewhere, I do it. Their friends and family are usually there, and they know what they’d like to become, even if they’ll probably change their mind when they aren’t eleven anymore. It doesn’t matter as much as people seem to think, frankly. The curriculum is the same, it’s just a way of sticking like-minded peers together in the dorm rooms, splitting up teams for sports and encouraging a little competition to be the best behaved for the house cup. That said? I’ve been doing this for over a thousand years, and when I say I think you’d have the easiest time in a group that encourages a specific virtue, I know what I’m talking about.
Harry: Well, my Dad was a Gryffindor and you’ve sorted my friends there…
Hat: You’re an orphan, and if some guys you met on a train for a few hours stop liking you because you have a different badge on your robes, do you really want them as friends?
Harry: Okay fine just stick me wherever.
Dumbledore: But that’s the evil house!
Hat: Put your palm over my face.
“A casino is basically a sign that the local political class has wrecked things already enough that they need a new approach to squeeze sufficient graft out of the wreckage. That’s especially true now that casinos are common enough that they mostly draw from the (already economically suffering) local region.”
Basic Instructions, “How to Introduce a Female Version of an Established Male Superhero”
“Screw individuality—anyone who claims to be unique always sounds like every other tool proclaiming his individuality—which is why people into tattoos and piercings always sound and act like everyone else with tattoos and piercings.”
– Greg Gutfeld, The Bible of Unspeakable Truths
“43% of high school boys and young college men reported they had an unwanted sexual experience and of those, 95% said a female acquaintance was the aggressor.”
BECAUSE IT’S SO MUCH FUN, JAN!
“Often we ask questions that are emotionally powerful, even if they are logically meaningless and wholly undefined.”
– Thomas Sowell, Basic Economics
The Miz’ries • live at Cameo 7.23.14
Leila Adu • voice, electronic drums
Quinn Collins • turntable, sampler, electronics
Jeff Snyder • analog synthesizer
I checked it on Google, THIS IS REAL. HOLY CRAP NO I CAN’T TAKE THIS. What do you mean, there will be no chocolate wtf. O.O GO PLANT MORE COCOA TREES NOW OHMYGOD.
It’s not just about cocoa trees, many farmers are refusing to work because they are being paid VERY low wages.
Sarah, don’t look. This is too scary to believe.
Why the heck are people freaking out over the idea that the laws of supply and demand apply to things that they happen to enjoy? There’s reason to think that the supply will go down, so the price will go up. If chocolate is really that important to you, you’ll learn to adjust your spending habits. That’s how economics works.