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“My ego only needs a good rhythm section.”

– Miles Davis

My Schedule During The Purge



In America for one day each year, all crime, including murder, is legal. This is the Purge. This is my schedule during the Purge.

12 AM – 1 AM: The Purge begins. Immediately boot up your laptop and start furiously torrenting episodes of The Wire.

1 AM – 3 AM: Ignore the pleas for help coming outside your door because you’re too busy playing a video game you just pirated.

3 AM – 12 PM: Fall asleep after ripping the stupid “Do Not Remove” tag off the mattress.

12 PM – 1 PM: Wake up. Don’t brush teeth or shower. Eat double-stuffed Oreos dunked in Nutella for breakfast.

1 PM – 2 PM: Drink wine straight out of the bottle as you break into your ex’s Facebook account using the password she really should never have told you.

2 PM – 3 PM: Your ex keeps messaging someone named Kriss, but it’s impossible to tell if Kriss is a girl or a boy. Kriss’s Facebook profile picture is a mountain range. Fucking Kriss.

3 PM – 4 PM: Drunk dial your ex and leave 300 voicemails in defiance of your restraining order.

4 PM – 5 PM: More Nutella Oreos.

5 PM – 6 PM: Watch all the beautiful explosions going on outside your window. Snag a couple pics for your Instagram with the hashtag #thepurge.

6 PM – 7 PM: Cautiously head outside. You have brought a skateboard over to a “No Loitering or Skateboarding” sign. Unfortunately, you never learned how to skateboard so you just stand on the board for a couple minutes before returning home.

7 PM – 11 PM: Drive over to the movie theater. Buy a single ticket but stick around for multiple movies. You smuggle Nutella and Oreos into the theater inside your coat pockets. Fuck you, AMC.

11 PM – 12 AM: Go home and attempt to watch the pilot of The Wire but fall asleep three minutes in.

My Schedule After The Purge: Basically the same.

[“Ben Baker is a writer living in Arlington, Virginia. Like everyone else, he is on Twitter.]

George S. Green Memorial - Culp’s Hill, Gettysburg National Military Park

George S. Green Memorial - Culp’s Hill, Gettysburg National Military Park